Where have all the No. 1 picks gone?
Plus, breaking down Cam Newton's new deal and a hard seltzer review
The last few weeks have been pretty brutal for NFL veterans. With the salary cap at “merely” $182.5 million, teams have had to make difficult cost-saving cuts before the new league begins next week. The latest surprise came Thursday when the Chiefs released both of their starting tackles, Eric Fisher and Mitchell Schwartz. As a result:
1. Currently, only one starting lineman from the Chiefs’ championship team remains on the roster: Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, who sat out the 2020 season. The Chiefs will have to figure out how to (cheaply) protect Patrick Mahomes, who was pressured a historic number of times in this year’s Super Bowl.
2. The offensive lineman market is brimming with big names. Fisher and Schwartz join a free agent class that also includes Trent Williams and Joe Thuney. That’s at least good news for OL-needy teams that can afford them (hi, Colts and Jaguars).
3. Now, zero No. 1 picks from 2016 and earlier are with the team that originally drafted them:
Six of those players are still active in the NFL.
2005: Alex Smith, who was just released by Washington following his Comeback Player of the Year award, is looking to join his fourth NFL team — most likely as a mentor type.
2009: Matthew Stafford was recently traded to the Rams, who are hoping he’s the one who can get them over the Super Bowl hump.
2011: Cam Newton was set to be a free agent after a frustrating season in New England, but in a good move for all, he’ll return to the Patriots.
2013: Fisher, coming off an Achilles injury, will hit free agency for the first time in his career.
2014: Jadeveon Clowney will move on to his fourth team in as many years after a disappointing eight-game, zero-sack season in Tennessee.
2015: Jameis Winston miiiight be the best available quarterback in free agency now that Dak Prescott finally got his extension. He could sign with a new team, or maybe he’ll re-up with the Saints and take over for a possibly retiring Drew Brees.
2016: Jared Goff, who has actual playoff wins under his belt, was traded to the Lions as part of the Stafford deal.
Let’s quickly compare them to the most recent No. 1 picks.
2017: Myles Garrett is coming off his best season yet, when he was a Defensive Player of the Year candidate for the Browns.
2018: Baker Mayfield rebounded from his sophomore slump and led the Browns to the playoffs (and a playoff win).
2019: Kyler Murray, like the Cardinals, started hot and then cooled off during an inconsistent 2020 season. Still, he’s one of the best young talents in the league.
2020: Joe Burrow was arguably the Offensive Rookie of the Year frontrunner until his season was cut short due to a knee injury.
So what does that tell us? Well, other than that the Browns are this millennium’s champions when it comes to drafting impactful No. 1 picks.
Two obvious reasons we’ve seen so much movement with former No. 1 picks: injuries and those players toiling away on bad teams. NFL teams are also impatient, perhaps more than ever, and that can stunt a player’s development. What if the Chiefs had given up on Fisher, who struggled early on his career but eventually became a valuable member of the offense?
But really, most NFL players who have long enough careers don’t stay with their original team, regardless of where they were drafted. Anyone selected first overall might get more of a benefit of the doubt because a team has invested heavily into them and they were drafted that high for a reason, but at the same time, they have near-impossible expectations to live up to. If they’re not transcendent — a la Patrick Mahomes, Aaron Donald, etc. — or they don’t deliver their team a Super Bowl win, then there will always be detractors who think they’ve failed in some way, unfair as that may be.
None of the previously mentioned six players are busts — far from it. A couple have had enviable careers, including Newton (won an MVP) and Stafford (set NFL records despite playing for the Lions). All still have something to offer, even though Smith, if he insists on continuing his career, should simply spend his time on the bench, showing a young quarterback the ropes.
Most of all, I think this tidbit proves how quickly things can change in the NFL. If Mayfield backslides next year, the Browns could decide to move on (which you know would somehow lead to Kevin Stefanski reuniting with Kirk Cousins). If Burrow can never fully bounce back after his ACL tear, then he won’t get a second contract with Bengals and they’re back to the QB drawing board a few years from now. Maybe Kyler will decide the injuries just aren’t worth it and go back to baseball.
I’m not sure there’s a real lesson to learn from former No. 1 picks not staying with their first teams. There are various reasons it happens, and it doesn’t mean those players were unworthy of their draft position at the time. But, at the very least, it’s a fun fact to share with your friends. Who doesn’t like that? — SH
Cam’s contract is a good move all around
$14 million might seem like a lot for a quarterback who threw eight touchdowns and 10 picks in 15 games last season, but it’s actually a pretty shrewd move by the Patriots. And I don’t praise the Patriots lightly.
First, it’s really not that much money. Newton’s deal ties him with Ben Roethlisberger for the 19th highest paid quarterback, based on average annual salary. I’d much rather have Newton than Big Ben at this point in their careers too.
His passing stats don’t tell the whole story either. His best receiver was Jakobi Meyers. Julian Edelman was hurt most of the season, so New England’s notorious inability to find and keep competent pass catchers dragged down Newton and the offense. He also got a short shrift from the COVID year—with no time to really get in a practice with the team prior to the season, and then, getting sidelined by COVID himself early in the season.
Despite that, he still managed to contribute 592 yards on the ground and 12 touchdowns. With a full offseason and some serious upgrades to the skill positions, the Patriots offense could be significantly better in 2021. Newton’s contract being actually pretty small for a quarterback gives the team more flexibility to make those necessary upgrades on offense too, another plus from his deal.
And it is just one year, giving the Patriots some cushion while they figure out what the long-term answer is under center. Not that I care about the Patriots, but a good deal is a good deal. —RVB
A hard seltzer review, because sure, it’s kinda spring?
I am not a hard seltzer guy.
This is not to say I don’t understand the appeal. It’s a beverage that packs a bigger punch than a light beer at roughly the same amount of calories. Miller Lite clocks in at 96 calories and 4.2 percent alcohol by volume. Most seltzers hit 100 calories and 5 percent ABV. Not only do you get something that’s typically a more appealing rest stop between “wine cooler” and “IMPERIAL STOUT XXX,” but you also get a little more bang for your buck.
My experience in the medium is limited. My local Sam’s Club at one point needed to offload some White Claw samplers at $9 for an 18-pack, so I bought a few. There’s one still languishing in my basement, which is notable because the only Sam’s Club within 30 miles from me closed down three years ago. I typically only go the seltzer route once a year; on the morning of the Indy 500 when, after parking in our tailgate lot, I’ll throw a couple Claws into a big icy tumbler before donning my old Alex English jersey and debating the virtues of Tony Kanaan with anyone who will listen.
Kona threw a wrench into this plan, in a very nice way. The Hawaiian brewing company offered to send out a sampler for Super Bowl weekend, but when we both struggled to follow up — I am an awkward man unwilling to push the boundaries of someone nice enough to send me free booze — their care package got delayed until March. Not a problem! I’m still happy to drink almost anything that shows up on my doorstep.
I’m mostly familiar with Kona through their flagship Longboard Island Lager, which is totally fine but fails to stand out in any meaningful way for me. It’s been introduced to me by multiple friends who grew up on the big island before relocating to the contiguous 48 and who are, coincidentally, the most haole-looking dudes in the universe. It’s also, against most odds, available on tap in the Madison Mallards — America’s preeminent collegiate baseball league experience — Duck Blind, where like $35 gets you all-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink for roughly five straight hours. This is a tremendous way to make wooden bat baseball between GLIAC all-stars tolerable.
That’s not what I’m drinking this week. Kona’s mix pack featured their Big Wave golden ale … and four assorted hard seltzers. My immediate reaction is that the flavors sound a lot more interesting compared to the FLAV-R-POP lineup of lime, cherry, and mango that tends to dominate the domestic seltzer marketplace. Kona’s got a straight-up fruit punch flavor that I *know* won’t taste a thing like Hawaiian Punch but, god damn it, I can dream.
And hey, they sent me several different flavors and I’m already six paragraphs into this review, so let’s get drinking.
1. Kona Spiked Island Seltzer Tropical Punch, sipped from the can
Ok, so bear with me, but the scent I’m getting off this isn’t fruit punch, but Flintstone Chewable Vitamins. This has me slightly worried but also excited.
Fortunately it tastes a lot better. There’s a sweetness to this that most other hard seltzers lack, making it much easier to drink — which, like our last go-round with Elysian’s new imperial IPA, is a double-edged sword. It’s not a full-fledged can of Hawaiian Punch or a spiked sparkling punch ladled out from a crystal bowl, but it’s somewhere in between. Where most seltzers leave a note of hollow-ness and expect the carbonation to fill in the blanks, Kona’s Tropical Punch tastes like a full effort from start to finish.
How much you like this may depend on whether or not you like bubbles in your punch. The alcohol doesn’t leave too much of an imprint on the flavor, and while it’s sweeter than expected there’s no cloying artificial sweetness like there is in a Smirnoff Ice (don’t judge me, I was in high school once). That may be because the seltzer advertises itself as “only three ingredients,” but one of those is the nebulous “Natural Flavor,” so I’m not sure how much I buy that.
2. Kona Spiked Island Seltzer Starfruit Lime, sipped out of a fancy glass with ice
Most lime seltzers are extremely boring but reliable.
The aroma on this one immediately fills the room with an artificial lime smell. Not quite to Bud Light Lime levels, but it’s noticeable. It’s also got that vitamin-y hint to it, which is less appealing than it was when backed by a chorus of tropical fruits.
The taste powers through that for another sweeter-than-expected gulp. The starfruit alters the finish of what feels like a standard lime seltzer, though not by enough to be especially memorable. It’s easy enough to drink, but so are 90 percent of the lime seltzers out there. Boring, but reliable. I could drink four of these in an hour to make it through a neighbor’s kid’s birthday party.
3. Kona Spiked Island Seltzer Passionfruit Orange Guava, drank out of the can because sipping ended after two seltzers
Remember POGs? They’re back, but in hard seltzer form!
I imagine I am the 500th person to make that joke, and expect to be notified of my prize shortly. The Hawaiian juice drink that spawned the collectible cap craze of 1995 (I have the classic OJ “guilty”/”not guilty” slammer, which has made it through at least nine different moves at this point) is now an alcoholic beverage. Our prayers have been answered.
In this case, the orange citrus overwhelms any hint of Flintstone vitamin. Like the last two flavors, it’s sweeter than your standard White Claw or Vizzy, which is a welcome step in the right direction. It drinks like a very thin orange juice, sort of mimosa-lite. The passionfruit-guava gives it a snap toward the end, and like the punch there’s little hint of booze to it.
4. Kona Spiked Island Seltzer Strawberry Guava, drank out of the can because god willing we’re going out on a high note
The vitamin smell is back, apparently only stoppable by the power of citrus. I wasn’t quite sure what guava tastes like after #3 and I’m still not now, since the strawberry takes the lead on this one. In fact, they kinda cancel each other out, leaving this as Kona’s [null set] in terms of entries. POG was citrus. Tropical Punch was straight-up good. Starfruit lime was a slightly jazzed-up lime. But this is … just sorta hard seltzer.
It’s not bad, it’s just not better than anything else you’re finding out there. If you got this in a sampler pack, it’s the flavor you’d bring to neighborhood cookouts where you don’t know anyone. And then, while you’re sipping a Fantasy Factory or some other delight a neighbor brought, you’ll quietly look in the opposite direction as someone pulls the Strawberry Guava from the cooler, shrugs, and goes for it.
***
For me, every hard seltzer is an off-brand cover band version of a much better song. Kona’s fruit punch and POG offerings are like hearing your favorites sung at a Nashville karaoke bar. It’s not the genuine article, but it’s clearly being done by a professional, even if it’s a struggling artist working for tips in some cruel off-off-off-off Broadway practical joke. The starfruit lime is your drunk buddy taking on Wagon Wheel. It’s fine, but who cares? The strawberry guava is Mark Wahlberg in Rock Star singing Great White. It’s .... huh? What? Why?
All considered, that’s pretty good for a hard seltzer, and this is coming from a guy who doesn’t drink hard seltzer. This is an extremely viable alternative to Michelob Ultra the next time your CrossFit friends stop by. Or, as a beverage you can drink on a public beach without immediately looking suspect.
Rating: Better than I expected. — CD