You should root against these teams because they are terrible

PLAYOFF TIME! We're ranking the teams playing this weekend and picking all the games.

With the playoffs now expanded to include two extra teams in each conference, there are even more fans who have a horse in this race. My particular equine is the Rams. They’re more of a nag than a thoroughbred, and I fully anticipate them being out of the playoffs after this weekend. It really doesn’t matter if they start Jared Goff or John Wolford, both players have the dubious distinction of being the worst quarterback in the playoffs this year. 

So after this weekend, the question for me, and a lot of other fans, is where do you transfer your rooting interest? Which team can you choose to give you at least some nominal stake in the postseason outcome? Or at least that’s one way to look at it. There’s another way to stay invested once your team loses, or if they never made it to begin with — pick a team to root against. 

I find joy in picking teams to root AGAINST, then spending three hours watching the game channeling my best Silky Johnson. If you need a little help, here’s a preview to get you started on your own hater’s journey. 

Colts vs. Bills 

This one is tough for even a hardened cynic like myself. Both teams are kind of likable, or at least mostly inoffensive. I like the Bills here because they’re more fun to watch. The Colts are underdogs, so that means we should at least have the weird contortions of Philip Rivers’ emoting face to keep us rooting against the Colts.  

Rams vs. Seahawks

It’s honestly hard not to root against the Rams for what they did to the city of St. Louis. I mean, they couldn’t just move and be honest that there was a lot more money to be made in Los Angeles. No, they had to crap all over our fair city just a few years AFTER convincing the local rubes to pony up millions for the stadium that was too crappy for their crappy team. But I still harbor some vestige of fandom here. 

The Seahawks are easily the NFC’s most annoying team. We all know about Pete Carroll just having some questions about 9/11 that he’d like to see answered. And Russell Wilson, despite his incredible playing ability, is as interesting as a piece of wet cardboard. What’s the point of being a superstar if you’re going to be boring as hell? What really drives me here is that I want the Seahawks to lose because offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer is terrible at what he does, and this would help keep him from getting the head coaching job he’s assured of just because his father was an NFL head coach once upon a time. 

Buccaneers vs. Football Team

Man, this is a tough one. I really hate both of these teams. How can you not root against wellness shaman Tom Brady? His lifestyle snake oil is just one of a million brands peddling crap that claims to keep you healthy. Naturally, it’s bullshit. What truth there is to it, you should already know (“woah, eating less sugar is good for me? WHO KNEW?!”) And talk about boring … I dislike Tom Brady so much that when I saw his kids crying outside of the locker room after they lost the Super Bowl to the Eagles my first instinct was to laugh. TRUE STORY! 

But how can you hate the Buccaneers when they’re playing the team owned by the biggest heel in all of sports? Dan Snyder is the rare kind of terrible person who makes slum lords seem like community pillars. Child abuse is about the only horrific thing he hasn’t been accused of, and I’m legit surprised. I guarantee you he would beat the hell out of a kid on the McDonald’s playground for looking at his suit wrong. Sure, they finally changed the name of the team, and Ron Rivera seems like he’s actually bringing a sane institutional culture to the place, but as long as Dan Snyder owns this team, it deserves nothing but scorn. So hold your nose and cheer for the Bucs, just pretend you don’t know who the quarterback is. 

Ravens vs. Titans 

Another one that’s hard to find a reason to hate either team. I’m going to pull for Lamar Jackson here because he’s awesome and so much fun to watch. If you’re on the fence, I can at least offer you this: John Harbaugh is a huge baby, and the Ravens got the NFL rules changed because Bill Belichick used an ineligible receiver trick against them.  

Bears vs. Saints 

Drew Brees seems like a nice guy on the surface, but dig a little deeper. There was his “disrespecting the flag” comment this summer. And let’s not forget about his other job as a pitchman for a pyramid scheme designed to rip off hard-working people.  If that’s not enough, my god, the man collects watches as an investment, which is 110 percent as lame as all the people who told you to get into baking sourdough bread last year. 

Still not convinced? Well, don’t forget that the Saints provided a heaping helping of public relations assistance to help the local archdiocese CYA itself in the wake of widespread sexual abuse allegations against members of the clergy. 

Browns vs. Steelers

How do you root against the Browns? This team has been mired in pro sports hell for decades. This is the pro sports manifestation of hope that even laid-off dopes like me can find a job again ... someday.  

I always root against the Steelers. I don’t have a personal grudge or some kind of bad memory of a team I liked losing to them. I just don’t like them. Their quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, went from predatory frat boy to sweatpants-wearing divorced dad-looking sad-ass middle-aged man overnight. He’s also, apparently, kind of dick. Mike Tomlin reminds me of every obnoxious gym teacher advising his students to “rub some dirt” in their ruptured spleen and get their butts back on the field. And as a head coach, shouldn’t it be your job to keep the quarterback from being an asshole to his teammates? Also, with the Patriots out of the playoffs this year (thank fucking god), this has to be the most racist fanbase, right? Even if I’m wrong on that, Steelers fans are definitely the most obnoxious of any team still playing. These are the people that want to fight in the parking lot whether their team wins or loses. But still, it’d almost be worth taking a punch just to see the Steelers blow this one. (Please don’t punch me. I’m delicate.) 

“Hey, you guys like IPAs?”

Wherever your rooting interests may sit, you can always find a reason to dislike a team, which, lemme tell ya, makes the playoffs that much more fun. And of course, feel free to holler at me if you need a little inspiration! — RVB 

Ranking the 12 teams playing on Wild Card Weekend

Last week, I ranked the 11 teams that were competing for the seven remaining playoffs based on how much I believed in them at that moment. I’ve decided to continue that series this week for our first round of playoff games. 

Two quick notes: I’m not including the Chiefs or Packers, who earned a bye (but they’d be an easy 1-2 on the list). I’m also ranking each team more on its overall body of work and what that says about its chances of advancing in the playoffs, and less on its individual matchup this weekend.

1. Bills

Why they’ll advance: Is any team playing better right now? They’re tied with the Packers for the longest current win streak in the NFL, and all six victories came by double digits. They’ve also been waiting a year for redemption after their overtime playoff loss to the Texans.

Why they won’t: This crew has a little postseason experience but zero wins. In fact, it’s been 25 years since Buffalo has celebrated a playoff victory. Josh Allen has been dynamic this season, but if Stefon Diggs is dinged up, the Bills could be in trouble. 

2. Saints

Why they’ll advance: They’re arguably the most balanced team in the NFL. The Saints are No. 1 in Football Outsiders’ overall DVOA rankings, despite trotting out lineups that included a heavy dose of Taysom Hill and that often didn’t include Michael Thomas (and, as was the case last week, minus most of their running backs). 

Why they won’t: We still don’t know for sure if Thomas and Alvin Kamara will return to the lineup (though things look promising). I can’t overlook another factor: the Saints have known nothing but postseason misery since their lone Super Bowl win 11 years ago.

3. Ravens

Why they’ll advance: The Ravens have finally hit their stride after a slow start to the season offensively (and a midseason Covid outbreak). OC Greg Roman has adapted his schemes, including some new inside-run plays, which has helped Baltimore’s rushing average go from  158 to 267 yards per game during their five-week roll. In that time, Lamar Jackson and newly elevated lead back J.K. Dobbins combined for 855 yards on the ground. 

Why they won’t: It’s a small sample, but it’s hard to ignore how Jackson has been shut down in his previous two postseason appearances. Plus, the Ravens only beat one quality opponent, the Browns, during their current winning streak.  

4. Titans

Why they’ll advance: Last year, the Titans rode the NFL’s leading rusher, Derrick Henry, to a spot in the AFC Championship Game. This year, their offense has been even better and so has Henry, who became just the eighth player in NFL history to rush for 2,000 yards in a season.

Why they won’t: While the offense is better, the defense is not. In the last 15 seasons, only one team with a worse defensive efficiency, the 2013 Chargers, made the playoffs. Also, Henry was held under 100 yards in six games this season, five of which came against eventual playoff teams.

5. Buccaneers

Why they’ll advance: Over the past month, the Bucs have managed to finally put it all together in all three phases. They’ve won four in a row, during which Tom Brady has been lighting it up in ways that should be illegal for a 43-year-old. Even if Tampa has endured a long playoff absence, Brady, if you may have heard, has the necessary experience.

Why they won’t: Brady doesn’t have experience on a wild card team, and he hasn’t been his best playoff self on the road. As much as the Bucs seem to be jelling, how much can we trust their win streak when it came against the Vikings, Lions, and Falcons twice? Especially when Tampa went just 1-5 against playoff teams this year.

6. Seahawks

Why they’ll advance: Their defense has turned things around after allowing more yards than any other team during the first half of the season. In the last six weeks, the Seahawks have let just one opponent score more than 17 points (the 49ers put up 23 points in the season finale). Seattle also has experience, and success, when the pressure is on, boasting an 8-3 record in one-score games this year.

Why they won’t: As the defense has found its sea legs, the offense has declined. Russell Wilson, the first-half MVP of the season, has been pretty meh recently. If that trend extends to the postseason, the Seahawks won’t last long.

7. Steelers

Why they’ll advance: Although the Steelers went through a slump near the end of the season, they’re entering the playoffs the healthiest they’ve been in a while. Ben Roethlisberger and the offense came alive in the second half against the Colts to rally from a 17-point deficit, and backup Mason Rudolph nearly did the same against the Browns while throwing to many of the Steelers’ usual starters. If they can use that momentum in the postseason, then the offense will be competent while their defense, which still tops Football Outsiders’ DVOA rankings, can do the rest.

Why they won’t: Take away that second half against the Colts, and the Steelers would be on a five-game losing skid. Roethlisberger has looked like a shell of his former self for much of the season, and even as good as the defense is, you’ve got to be able to put up points in the playoffs, especially when the Chiefs and Bills are waiting around the corner. 

8. Rams

Why they’ll advance: In a must-win game last week, the Rams took care of the Cardinals despite being down their top receiver, veteran left tackle, and starting quarterback. They’ll get Cooper Kupp and Andrew Whitworth back this weekend, though Jared Goff’s situation is still up in the air. However, the strength of the team this year is its defense. Jalen Ramsey has been shutting down No. 1 receivers all season and Aaron Donald still knows a thing or two about getting after the quarterback.

Why they won’t: They might be rolling into the Wild Card Round with former AAF QB John Wolford, who did enough to beat the Cardinals but who will soon have to go up against real defense. Also, never forget: this team lost to the Jets.

9. Colts

Why they’ll advance: Philip Rivers has a 4-0 record in the Wild Card Round and knows this might be his final chance at a ring. Rookie running back Jonathan Taylor has been heating up recently, which could help the Colts play keepaway with their opponent. On defense, disruptors like Darius Leonard and DeForest Buckner can make it a long day for whatever opposing quarterback they face.

Why they won’t: It’s been a month and a half since the Colts’ last impressive win (a 34-31 overtime victory against the Packers). The defense has dropped off after starting the season on fire, and if that means the Colts are headed for a shootout, is Rivers really up to the task?  

10. Browns

Why they’ll advance: Sometimes when life keeps knocking you down, you get up stronger each time. The Browns have dealt with tough injury and Covid luck this season, and they still managed to end the NFL’s longest active playoff drought. Not many people are giving the Browns a chance of winning their first postseason game since Bill Belichick was their coach, and that chip on their shoulder, plus Baker Mayfield’s insistence on using even the tiniest slight as fuel, could help them band together and advance.

Why they won’t: Yeah, those Covid problems keep getting worse:

Jake Trotter @Jake_Trotter

The #Browns haven’t practiced all week. Their head coach has COVID. Their building remains closed. Their QB hasn’t thrown a pass since Sunday. And they have a half-dozen starters on the virus list. Otherwise...

11. Bears

Why they’ll advance: Since returning to the starting lineup in Week 12, Mitchell Trubisky has been … fine? His passer rating in that time is 96.0, better than it’s been in any season of his career. He’s also been aided by David Montgomery, who has averaged 99.7 rushing yards per game in that same span. The defense isn’t the fearsome unit of two years ago, but it still ranks eighth in DVOA. Their kicker is (not to jinx anything) pretty good! 

Why they won’t: They have a worse record against playoff teams (1-6) than anyone else this postseason. I also would not recommend putting much faith in Trubisky in a high-stakes game.

12. Washington

Why they’ll advance: The Washington defensive line is the stuff quarterback nightmares are made out of, and they advertise their ferocity right there in their names: Chase, Sweat, Payne … (sorry couldn’t help myself). Their ability to harass quarterbacks and throw them off rhythm has benefited Washington’s starting cornerbacks as well. The offense has a few playmakers who have stepped up this season (Terry McLaurin, Antonio Gibson, J.D. McKissic, Logan Thomas), no matter who has been at quarterback. 

Why they won’t: Defense doesn’t really win championships anymore. Washington needs to score points on offense, and that’s difficult to do when you’re considering switching between hobbled 36-year-old Alex Smith and former XFL backup Taylor Heinicke, who was signed last month as a “quarantine quarterback.” — SH

Wild Card Round picks

Just going to leave this here, because what else is there to say about these incredible picks. No guest this week; you’ll have to trust the “experts.” — RVB

The “why are they favored again?” pick: Titans over Ravens

Baltimore hosted the Titans in the Divisional Round of the 2020 playoffs as a 10-point favorite. Tennessee won that game 28-12. The Ravens traveled to Nashville as a six-point favorite for a regular season game in Week 11. They lost that one 30-24 in overtime.

So why is Baltimore a 3.5-point favorite when these teams meet in Music City on Sunday?

Mike Vrabel has spent the past year proving he’s capable of limiting Lamar Jackson’s aerial attack, holding the 2019 MVP to more interceptions (three) than touchdown passes (two) and a 67.7 passer rating in those two showdowns. He’s proved he can blow the Ravens doors off from the early stages of the game — when he took a 28-6 lead in last year’s playoff matchup — or orchestrate a comeback despite a run-heavy offense. That Week 11 win saw Tennessee overcome a 21-10 third quarter deficit thanks in large part to Ryan Tannehill’s efficient passing.

Then there’s the small tractor in the room. Derrick Henry is doing very Derrick Henry things by peaking late in the season. The 2,000-yard rusher has 328 rushing yards in those two wins over the Ravens. He’s coming off a 250-yard game (against the Texans’ awful defense, but still). How is Baltimore the betting favorite in a matchup they’ve already lost twice in the past 365 days?

The answer may lie in the Ravens’ growth. Baltimore has begun to crack Vrabel’s code, as evidenced by those 24 Week 11 points and the team’s ability to mount a game-tying drive in the final two minutes of regulation. That offense has also turned Hollywood Brown’s potential into points since that loss in Nashville; he’s got six touchdowns in his last six games, giving Jackson a reliable option who isn’t Mark Andrews downfield. The defense has also allowed only 30 points in its last three games combined, though those came against the Giants, Bengals, and Jaguars so it’s not exactly an accomplishment.

Still, if we’re relying on recent history then the Titans look like a safe bet. I’m betting Tennessee until Baltimore proves it can do something about Henry — even if that’s just to mitigate the 150+ yards he’s about to gain. — CD

The “I wish I could believe” game: Steelers vs. Browns

I opted for optimism when I picked the Ravens over the Titans. I’d like to see Lamar Jackson win his first playoff game and it’d be fitting if it came against the Titans, the team that upset them last year. 

However, I couldn’t extend that confidence to the Browns. They held off the Steelers last week, but that was without several veteran starters suiting up for Pittsburgh. They’re all back this weekend, and that’s the same group that clobbered the Browns 38-7 in Week 6. Ben Roethlisberger, perhaps out of spite for Cleveland not drafting the Ohio native 17 years ago, is 24-2-1 against the Browns in his career.

That’s a difficult enough challenge for the Browns. Now add in this: their head coach won’t be on the sideline, their Pro Bowl left guard and starting safety are among those who will be out (and maybe their best corner again), and as of Thursday, they hadn’t been able to practice. To quote JuJu Smith-Schuster, “the Browns is the Browns.” — SH