1 movie each NFL team SHOULDN'T rally around
Just because a film takes place in your city doesn't mean it should be a source of inspiration, *cough* Joe Mazzulla *cough*
Like many others, I only recently discovered that Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla is a little bit obsessed with The Town, the 2010 movie starring, and directed by, Ben Affleck. And like many others, I was baffled by Mazzulla’s decision to latch on to this film and use it as motivation fodder, even before the Celtics got blown out in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals.
The Town is a critically acclaimed movie, and I remember liking it enough when I saw it 13 years ago. It’s also not particularly memorable; I had to read the Wikipedia synopsis to remember how the story unfolded, and when I did, I thought, “why would any of this be inspiration for a team from Boston?”
At the end,
SPOILER ALERT
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all of Ben Affleck’s friends are dead and he fulfills his goal of leaving the city for Florida.
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END OF SPOILER ALERT
It also got me thinking about which movies shouldn’t be adopted by NFL teams simply because they’re set in the same city where a franchise resides. So I selected one flick per team, based on the Mazzula/The Town model.
In that sense, I didn’t want to include anything that has, like, a 12 percent rating at Rotten Tomatoes. All 32 films below boast decent reviews — some even rave reviews — or at the very least have reached cult classic status. They take place in that team’s city (with a couple of caveats). Most are what I would consider watchable (with an exception or two). And there’s a plot point in each one that means it’s not the right choice to become any team’s rallying cry.
But before you continue, a warning: Major spoilers await, so feel free to skip over whatever you don’t want ruined.
Arizona Cardinals: Jerry Maguire
On Monday Night Football, Cardinals receiver Rod Tidwell lands on his head while making a catch and is knocked unconscious. Though Tidwell gets back up after a few terrifying minutes for his loved ones, the scene is especially harrowing after we saw what happened to Damar Hamlin in real life, also on a MNF broadcast.
Atlanta Falcons: Trouble with the Curve
An aging scout for the Atlanta Braves “proves” an old man’s gut instincts (and stubbornness) beats out “analytics” every time. OK, Boomer.
Baltimore Ravens: The Sum of All Fears
A packed football stadium in Baltimore is blown up, killing Morgan Freeman (among others).
Buffalo Bills: Buffalo ‘66
The main character has a fantasy about killing a Bills kicker who missed a would-be game-winning field goal in the Super Bowl.
Carolina Panthers: Logan Lucky
At the end, Logan and Co. think they got away with their Charlotte Motor Speedway heist, but an undercover FBI agent is lurking around.
Chicago Bears: Source Code
The train to Chicago is bombed in the real world, and only in the alternate world created by, I guess AI?, is the tragedy prevented.
Cincinnati Bengals: The Ides of March
Whatever you believe Ryan Gosling’s character chooses to do at the end, one thing is clear: politics corrupt.
Cleveland Browns: Draft Day
It sure seems like a happy ending for Browns GM Kevin Costner, but his draft decision-making is highly questionable.
Dallas Cowboys: The Tree of Life
The one (and last) time I watched this movie, I felt it was overlong and self-indulgent, and I failed to understand its point, which I guess is simply that everything dies. Fun stuff!
Denver Broncos: Resurrecting the Champ
A Denver sports journalist has to retract his celebrated article after a homeless former boxing champ is not the former boxer he claimed to be.
Detroit Lions: No Sudden Move
All movie long, Don Cheadle is just trying to get out of Detroit — and somehow, he manages to succeed at the end.
Green Bay Packers: The Great Outdoors
John Candy and a bear terrorize each other (again), then he and his family leave Wisconsin and head home … to Chicago.1
Houston Texans: Reality Bites
Winona Ryder’s character ends up with the emotionally manipulative guy.
Indianapolis Colts: The Fault in Our Stars
One teen is in remission, but his cancer returns and he dies. The other is alive at the end, but her cancer is also terminal.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Cool Hand Luke
Luke escapes one last time, is recaptured, and then dies.
Kansas City Chiefs: Looper
While the looper might have prevented the rise of a powerful, malevolent figure in the future, he had to die (by his own hand) to do it.
Las Vegas Raiders: Con Air
Almost all the bad guys are either dead or captured, except for the convicted serial killer, who is last seen out and about in a casino.
Los Angeles Chargers: The Last Boy Scout
The movie opens with an LA running back taking PCP, then shooting a few opposing players and then himself on a football field.
Los Angeles Rams: Heaven Can Wait
Technically, a Rams quarterback dies on the field, even if only we, the audience, knows that.
Miami Dolphins: Any Given Sunday
After a championship loss, the coach and quarterback leave Miami and move on to a new team.
Minnesota Vikings: Little Big League
The Twins lose a one-game playoff against the Mariners, accurately depicting Minnesota’s postseason failure in men’s professional sports.
New England Patriots: Gone Baby Gone
Since it’d be cheating to pick The Town, I’ll go with another Ben Affleck-directed film set in Boston, one that has zero happy endings for any character, except maybe the neglectful, drug-addict mom.
New Orleans Saints: Queen & Slim
Both title characters are gunned down.
New York Giants: Big Fan
A diehard Giants fan is severely beaten by a player from the very team he loves.
New York Jets: Flash Gordon
A Jets quarterback has to leave Earth to have any semblance of success.
Philadelphia Eagles: Fallen
The demon doesn’t die, despite Denzel Washington’s sacrifice.
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Dark Knight Rises
Although the Gotham City Rogues are NOT the Steelers, they wear the same colors, several real-life Steelers appeared as football players, and the stadium used in the film was Heinz Field — which Bane blew up, and this time Morgan Freeman was not killed.
San Francisco 49ers: The Game
Sean Penn decides that the only way his brother Michael Douglas can become a better person is to make him go through what amounts to psychological torment on his own birthday.
Seattle Seahawks: M3GAN
Considering there will be a sequel, it should be no surprise that the creepy murderous robot doll was not really vanquished.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Magic Mike
Magic Mike’s friendships with his mentor and protege are over.
Tennessee Titans: Gigi & Nate
Nate finds a way to keep his service animal monkey: by moving out of Tennessee (which he does).
Washington Commanders: The Replacements
The actual NFL players for the Washington “Sentinels,” and not the replacement players, are pretty big jerks.
It was difficult to track down a movie, let alone a good one, set in Green Bay. So I opted for one set in a fictional town in Wisconsin. Close enough!