Let's fire some coaches!
Plus, can't-miss picks for Week 10 and dark beers
2020 fireable coach rankings: which struggling HCs *shouldn’t* get canned?
2020 has been, as we all know, a very weird year. The NFL, soldiering on in the midst of a pandemic, took COVID-19 precautions seriously until it didn’t. Rescheduling games, once a favored proposition following the exodus of players to the virus’s restricted list, no longer seems an option now that the majority of the league has burned through its bye weeks.
The looming inevitability of a Week 18 (and, potentially, a Week 19) has faded into an echo even as states barrel toward another round of lockdowns. In its place is the prospect of an eight-team playoff field in each conference that could, in theory, create the league’s first 8-6 division winner since 1970.
As a result, teams are playing games without quarantined starters. Mask wearing, while mandated, isn’t guaranteed. The line between trotting out an All-Pro and replacing him with a practice squad member has never been thinner.
So how the hell are you supposed to gauge a coach’s effectiveness in the middle of all this?
While there have been some stellar examples of adaptability — Mike Vrabel keeping the Titans atop the AFC South despite his team’s insistence to botch precautionary protocol throughout September and Jon Gruden keeping the Raiders afloat despite repeated attempts to shoot themselves in the foot stand out especially — several teams have disappointed. That’s led to a pair of head coach firings, but neither were especially surprising. Bill O’Brien and Dan Quinn each entered 2020 on the hot seat, performed badly enough to earn prominent places on our first round of fireable coach rankings (published after Week 4), and were summarily axed in favor of interim leaders.
That leaves a handful of agitated coaches who have watched their teams underperform. Let’s dig in there and look at every franchise with a losing record at the season’s halfway mark. Let’s also assume that no one else will be relieved of their duties until Black Monday after the 2020 regular season comes to a close, whenever that is. And we’ll exclude interim coaches from the list, because they’re probably not getting retained anyway. Who should stay? Who needs to go?
Adam Gase, Jets (0-9)
Should he be fired? Oh, god yes. Just not until he embraces his 0-16 destiny so New York can draft, and then ruin, Trevor Lawrence.
Doug Marrone, Jaguars (1-7)
Should he be fired? Yes. Retaining Marrone was done in the service of tanking a rebuilding franchise and pushing it to the top of the 2021 draft. Marrone’s done a reasonable job of getting an understocked roster to punch above its weight class, but he’s 12-28 since 2017’s magical run to the AFC title game. Now he’ll be free to replace Dino Babers as Syracuse’s head coach.
Joe Judge, Giants (2-7)
Should he be fired? No. Judge in no way appears to be a *good* head coach, but he’s only nine games into his first gig more important than “special teams coordinator.” If the Giants can give Ben McAdoo and Pat Shurmur second years, they can do the same for the latest wilted branch of Bill Belichick’s coaching tree.
Mike McCarthy, Cowboys (2-7)
Should he be fired? Yes, though who cares because Dallas is screwed anyway. McCarthy has embraced the worst tendencies from his Green Bay tenure, all of which have been exacerbated by Dak Prescott’s season-ending injury. But the Cowboys are entering salary cap hell and have few ways to meaningfully improve for 2021, so they might as well pay the man the money he’s owed and embrace their spot near the top of the 2022 NFL Draft.
Ron Rivera, Washington (2-6)
Should he be fired? No. Rivera has made some questionable decisions — completely giving up on Dwayne Haskins was a home run swing with a willow branch — but expectations were low when he took the job. Jay Gruden got 5+ years on the job despite never winning more than nine games in a season, so Rivera should be fine for a while.
Anthony Lynn, Chargers (2-6)
Should he be fired? No, because he’s
Less than two years removed from turning Philip Rivers back into an efficient quarterback in a 12-win season
Currently pushing Justin Herbert toward an offensive rookie of the year award
Losing the most heartbreaking games in the world on a regular basis, which is perfectly on-brand for the franchise.
Zac Taylor, Bengals (2-5-1)
Should he be fired? No. Let’s see where this whole Joe Burrow thing is going. It’s gonna take a while to remove the Marvin Lewis stink from everything, anyway.
Matt Rhule, Panthers (3-6)
Should he be fired? Hell no. Rhule has adjusted to the pro game as well as could be expected and has Teddy Bridgewater looking like a legitimate franchise QB again. Only one of his six losses has come by more than eight points, which is an extreme moral victory in what looked like a bottoming-out year in Charlotte.
Vic Fangio, Broncos (3-5)
Should he be fired? Yes. Fangio has been dealt a rough hand in his two seasons as head coach — a shaky quarterback rotation, injuries to arguably his top offensive and defensive players in 2020 — but often looks overmatched in a top gig after decades as a coordinator. He’s not especially proficient with his challenges (two wins in six tries) and exists in that middle zone where his teams won’t be bad enough to earn a top five draft pick nor good enough to be a postseason threat.
Matt Patricia, Lions (3-5)
Should he be fired? Yep. Owner Martha Ford said she’d make some wholesale changes if she didn’t see marked improvement in 2020. Detroit was 3-4-1 at this point last season. Patricia’s good for one or two surprising wins per season, typically sprinkled among a lineup of impressive bed wettings.
Mike Zimmer, Vikings (3-5)
Should he be fired? A tenuous no. Zimmer hit the top five in our last fireable coach rankings, but has since turned things around with wins over the Packers and Lions (and a better-than-expected, but still disappointing showing against the Seahawks). A healthy Dalvin Cook has been a revelation, mostly because it limits the amount his offense has to rely on Kirk Cousins (only 34 passes in his last two games, but a 146.7 passer rating in those victories). Minnesota still has some dim playoff hopes, and a .500 finish should be enough to keep Zim in purple.
Bill Belichick, Patriots (3-5)
Should he be fired? No, because he is Bill f***ing Belichick.
Doug Pederson, Eagles (3-4-1)
Should he be fired? No. He’s leading his division despite a litany of injuries and the sudden regression of Carson Wentz. Plus, you know, Super Bowl 52.
Kyle Shanahan, 49ers (4-5)
Should he be fired? No. Have you seen how badly San Francisco has been ravaged by injuries and positive COVID tests? Shanahan has basically been playing the season with one arm tied behind his back and still has the Niners on the fringe of the NFC playoff race. Plus, I want to see what he can do in the post-Garoppolo era (begins in 2021). — CD
Colts vs. Titans, in five words or fewer
Week 10 picks
Because your pick, your pick, is on my list. Because your pick, your pick, is on my lips. Dooo deee da daaaaaaa … I’ve somehow slipped into a mini detour into classic rock. There are a couple of “hits” radio stations where I live here in beautiful Santa Fe, NM, and they really make for a nice diversion from the sturm and drang of bad news. Though, I think it really kicked into a full blown phase when Eddie Van Halen died and I spent the next week listening to “Panama” at a volume not compatible with my car’s factory-issue stereo, not to mention my age.
So what in the hell does this have to do with our Week 10 NFL picks? Shit man, everything! This week’s picks are all about the classics, the no-duh, lopsided matchups between some of those teams that are sure bets for the postseason against the ones that are already in hopeless territory. It’s kinda like the Tom Johnson Doobie Brothers versus the Michael McDonald Doobie Brothers, the Chicago that made weird songs about bad trips versus the Chicago that made music for middle school dances, or like Neil Young and Crazy Horse versus the Carpenters. (Here’s where I note that Rush sucks. In fact, prog rock in general is some pretty awful stuff, and I’d probably listen to disco before some pretentious Yes garbage.) --RVB
Our guest picker this week is a NCAA and XFL veteran who just picked up a gig lending his analysis of Vanderbilt football to 247Sports. Bruno Reagan was one of the SEC’s top interior linemen as a Commodore and later a star for the St. Louis Battlehawks, but his quiet excellence has yet to land him an NFL contract.
He’s hoping The Rock’s spring football reboot can provide another chance to kick some ass, but until then he’s happy returning to his combat sport roots. Reagan, a lifelong judoka who owns and operates Reagan Martial Arts in his hometown of Clarksville, Tennessee, recently swept through the International Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Federation’s prestigious Pan Championships at the blue belt level.
The “Deshaun Watson’s revenge, part 3” game: Texans vs. Browns
In 2017, the Browns had two chances to draft Deshaun Watson, and they passed both times. Instead, they took Myles Garrett with the No. 1 pick (understandable) and then traded the No. 12 pick to Houston and waited until the second round to address the quarterback position (DeShone Kizer, less understandable). The Texans got their franchise quarterback; the Browns went 0-16 that season.
Things have taken a turn for both teams this year. The Texans had another trying week, while the Browns are favored and could be getting Nick Chubb back, just in time to face the league’s worst rushing defense. There isn’t much reason to believe the Texans will win Sunday in Cleveland — except that they have Watson, who is putting up career-best numbers this season. He’s also a perfect 2-0 against the Browns. Why not make it 3-for-3? I mean, eventually the Texans will beat a team that’s not the Jaguars. Right? — SH
The “I want chaos in the division” game: Seahawks vs. Rams
In a normal year, the NFC West is the kind of division where any team can beat any other team. This season, it’s the best division in the NFL — and any team can beat any other team. Both the Seahawks and Rams are licking their wounds, coming off double-digit losses to AFC East foes (Bills, Dolphins, respectively). However, the Rams have a few things working in their favor. They just had their bye, they’re not the ones who’ve had to travel to the East Coast and back in the past week, and Sean McVay is 4-2 against Seattle in his coaching career.
Normally, I’d give the Seahawks the benefit of the doubt. I think they’re the better team and Russell Wilson is on an entirely different quarterback level than Jared Goff. But I can at least see ways the Rams win this game (hello Aaron Donald vs. that Seattle O-line), and quite frankly, it’s more exciting for the division race if they do. — SH
The “NFC East suffer fest” game: Eagles vs. Giants
How is it that every week there seems to be a head-to-head matchup between NFC East teams? I know that’s mathematically impossible, but it just feels like we’re being force fed a diet of this awful division. At least this one isn’t a primetime game. Not sure how we dodged that bullet.
The 3-4-1 Eagles have taken command of this division, cruising toward a six-win finish and a fourth seed in the playoffs, just to prove the universe is inherently unjust. But they’re a damn sight better than the Giants, whose only competition is being slightly less shitty than their MetLife Stadium roommates, the Jets.
This should be an easy win for Philadelphia. The Eagles actually seem capable of scoring points lately. Remember how well they played against the Steelers and Ravens last month? Of course, they barely slid by this Giants team and the miserable Cowboys in their last two games, so who the hell knows! In truth, the best thing to do here is just wait for Daniel Jones to fumble or throw an interception; it’s what he does best. Except last week, when he played his first game of the season without a turnover. Uh oh, should I change my pick? --RVB
The “Finding new and innovative ways to lose” game: Chargers vs. Dolphins
Because our panel is composed of four sentient beings, we all picked the Dolphins to win this one. Yeah, Miami is actually kind of good this year, but this has more to do with the Chargers being unable and unwilling to win.
So how will Anthony Lynn and his team blow this one? Hmmm. Watching a lead slip away in the last quarter is a tried and true method. Lynn’s incompetent clock management last week, which cost the team their chance at a comeback win, along with the not-a-catch touchdown on the game’s final play was a wild way to take an ‘L.’ Maybe this week it will somehow involve a missed field goal on a fourth-and-short situation that calls for running an actual play instead. It could be anything. That’s what keeps this Chargers team exciting. --RVB
Hooo buddy, it's a porter time of year
The weather has turned colder, and the days of breezy summer drinks and light lagers are behind us. This is a season for heavier beers capable of coating your stomach and your brain with the warmth of a teddy bear onesie. This is … porter season.
Like any freedom-laden take on English cuisine, American porters take a classic recipe revered for its blandness and throws a bunch of shit into it to see what tastes good. That means a darker beer with flavors like coffee, chocolate, cherry, coconut, and other things that start with the letter "C" running through it. And, since clocking in at 6% ABV is for the mentally weak, they're also prime candidates to get thrown in a bourbon barrel for a couple of months for a little extra flavor and fermentation.
The result is a delightful elevator ride between the penthouse world of IPAs and staid, foundational levels of a stout. Porters are the perfect complement for the calorie-dense holiday meals of November-December; dark, flavorful, robust — but not so filling each glass feels like a loaf of bread slowly digesting in your stomach. They are the ferry that bridges the gap between a plateful of turkey and an inevitable nap on the couch during Washington-Dallas (don't worry, you missed nothing).
It's not quite as beloved as Oktoberfest season in my book, but it's still pretty damn great. Here's what I'm drinking (at home while avoiding Covid hotspots) to herald in winter.
3. Ballast Point Victory at Sea
Victory at Sea is an imperial porter that comes in a few different varieties — coconut, peppermint, vanilla and coffee, peanut butter, etc. They're like Pokemon, except trying to catch them all in one night will leave you comatose.
The good news is all these unorthodox flavors manifest primarily in a hazy, dreamlike smell rather than condensing the beer itself into a syrupy mess. The straightforward malty sweetness and crisp finish remains, so you're not left with the lingering feeling that someone replaced your beer with melted popsicles. There are probably better local options available to you, but Ballast Point's combination of quality and variety make it an easy win at the liquor store.
2. Great Lakes Edmund Fitzgerald
The gold standard for microbrewed American porters is the Cleveland brew whose name evokes fond memories of, uh … Gordon Lightfoot and watery graves. Dark and malty, the Fitz is straightforward all the way through; it tastes like it smells and it smells like it tastes: awesome.
Great Lakes' flagship — you can find it across the Midwest and likely in a few more accomodating shops along the coasts — has a roasted coffee crispness and light hop flavor that betrays its dark color. While some brown ales and stouts are a smudge across your taste buds, Edmund Fitzgerald is a period, snapping off each sip like a declaration. If you're looking to dig deep, you can pull some nuttiness and toasted barley. If you just want something good to drink, this beer excels at that as well. It's a beautiful axis between "beer snob" and "just trying to get something nicer than Sam Adams."
I am a fan.
1. Tyranena Coco Poco
Tyranena, stuck halfway between Madison and Milwaukee in scenic Lake Mills, has a handful of beers that will fill my fridge this winter. Their standby porter, Chief Blackhawk, is pretty damn good. They have oatmeal coffee and imperial and imperial oatmeal coffee variations on the style as well. For me, their coconut offshoot is the best.
Like the Edmund Fitz, Coco Poco has a sharpness that changes the complexion of the beer for the better as it goes down. A solid level of carbonation keeps it feeling thin and adding to that crisp flavor while keeping it from being too filling. There's some non-coconut sweetness that pokes through as well, like the lingering smell of a cooling chess pie or sweet potato casserole wafting in over from the kitchen over your Thanksgiving dinner.
There's a rum barrel variant that brings back pleasant memories of snuck-out bottles of Malibu and the dimly lit basement of whichever friend had the least-attentive parents back in high school. It gives way to a little chocolate and spice and, hot damn, is it good. I know the "coconut" part of this beer is going to be a turnoff for some, but it's a tremendous balance to the roasted malt that never overpowers the beer and only complements it.
Tyranena got this one right, which is what I wind up saying about all their beers. If you can make a stop in Lake Mills sometime — preferably in the summer or fall — do it. — CD