NFL Wild Card Round: The agony and the ecstasy
The Bengals' playoff losing streak is over, the Patriots and Cowboys lost in different embarrassing ways, and Deebo did everything ... except win NVP.
The NFL’s inaugural Super Wild Card Weekend has been a bit of a mixed bag so far. We’ve seen two down-to-the-wire games, three blowouts (one enjoyable, the other two not so much), one upset, a new NVP, a new WR for Eagles fans to maliciously use as a scapegoat in a game they were never going to win anyway, another playoff flop for Mike McCarthy, a playoff win drought coming to an end, the long-awaited Big Ben swan song, the return of a NSFW Bills tradition, and way too much officiating controversy.
In other words, this round has been very true to the spirit of the NFL:
And it’s not even over yet!
There was plenty to both love and hate about the opening weekend of the NFL playoffs, and because Christian has dibs on the latter, I wanted to single out the former. So here’s who I’m most happy for after the first five games of this postseason.
The city of Cincinnati
One long-suffering fan base was guaranteed to see its playoff losing streak end when the Bengals hosted the Raiders Saturday afternoon. Luckily for the energetic home crowd at Paul Brown Stadium, Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase showed out in their first NFL postseason appearance (picking up where they left off in their final collegiate game).
It had been 31 years since the Bengals had won a playoff game, which had been the longest active drought in the NFL (that dishonor now belongs to the Lions). Or, before all but four Bengals players on the active roster were even born.
Perhaps the Curse of Bo Jackson could only be destroyed against the team it began with, the Raiders. Or maybe Cincinnati simply needed an Ohioan at quarterback who innately understood the pain of its futility; Burrow was born in it, molded by it.
Any other Bengals team of the past three decades couldn’t have pulled out that win. Carson Palmer would’ve been forced to replay the inadvertent whistle touchdown and then torn his ACL on the redo. Vontaze Burfict would have been flagged for unnecessary roughness on the Raiders’ fourth-and-goal play and the Bengals would’ve lost in OT.
Not this version of the Bengals, though. This one doesn’t create demons, it exorcizes them.
After the game, coach Zac Taylor gave the game ball — actually, game balls — to the city of Cincinnati:
Taylor and several players went around to local bars to deliver the balls to a city that had waited so long to celebrate. And with Burrow leading the way, the Bengals might not be done just yet.
Bills punter Matt Haack
The Bills made history in their demolition of the Patriots with their “perfect” offensive game that included seven touchdown drives, zero field goals, zero turnovers, and zero punts.
On a night when the temperature in Buffalo was 7 degrees and Mac Jones was distracted by his own breath, Bills punter Matt Haack didn’t have a ton to do:
Goals.
Deebo Samuel
Deebo Samuel was the 49ers’ biggest weapon on Sunday, just like he has been all season. The receiver/running back/”wide back” caught three passes for 38 yards and had 10 carries for 72 yards and a touchdown, which he called his own number for and which proved to be the game-winning score.
As seen on Nickelodeon, with the slime cannons:
The Cowboys knew how dangerous he was and were practically powerless to stop him anyway. That is, until it looked like he had iced the game on third-and-10, but the refs decided, upon review, that he came up just short.
Although the newly minted All-Pro thinks he picked up the first down, it didn’t matter because the 49ers held on for the win, largely thanks to Deebo’s efforts all afternoon.
Afterward, the Week 18 NVP — but not the Wild Card NVP, proving kids should not vote — gave the best interview of the weekend:
Credit Young Dylan for asking whether Deebo believes the 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, and credit Deebo for answering the question rather than deflecting. I’m not sure I have as much confidence in the 49ers as he does, but as long as they keep putting the ball in Deebo’s hands, they’ll have a good chance of beating anyone.
NFL fans
The Wild Card Round had a little something for everyone: schadenfreude for Patriots haters, the Cowboys’ continued postseason failure for anyone who likes seeing a miserable Jerry Jones, a couple thrilling endings, and early exits for the worst (and most unwatchable) teams in this playoff field.
That left us plenty to discuss before the Divisional Round begins next week. The schedule is almost set — all we’re waiting to find out is whether the Rams or Cardinals will be paying the Bucs a visit.
In terms of how competitive these matchups should be, this is about the best slate of games we could ask for:
Bengals at Titans
49ers at Packers
Rams/Cardinals at Bucs
Bills at Chiefs
At least on paper, that’s a fun, ACL Festival-type lineup that most NFL fans can get behind — unless your favorite team is watching from home and you’re feeling bitter (hey, no judgment!).
If you wanted new blood at this point in the playoffs, you might be a little disappointed because every team except the Bengals and Cardinals have made it this far in the last couple years. But there’s at least a decent chance that we could have a first-time champion this year; four of these franchises — the Bengals, Titans, Cardinals, and Bills — have never won a Super Bowl.
And based on what we’ve seen until now, any of the remaining teams could lose next week or win the whole thing. There’s not a dud in the bunch, and hopefully the games themselves live up to their promise. — SH
Christian’s Shit List
All the things I hated in the Wild Card Round
1. Mike McCarthy, who we all knew was bad but jesus, this bad???
We all had our jokes about Mike McCarthy’s clock management ready to go. We were ready to drag him for whatever burned timeout or wasted challenge happened to derail the Cowboys. We could not have expected this:
That wasn’t Dak Prescott going rogue and killing his team’s season. That was Dak Prescott executing the play as called.
I … I don’t. I can’t.
What?
2. The 49ers special teams, who gave the Cowboys extra life even though it didn’t matter
San Francisco was set to start the second half with a bang after forcing the Cowboys into fourth-and-20 at their own 15-yard line. Then practice squad call-up Mark Nzeocha crashed into punter Brian Anger for a no-brainer roughing the kicker penalty.
That didn’t lead to any Dallas points. The 49ers’ next punt return brain fart did.
The Cowboys trailed by 16 late in the third quarter when they faced fourth-and-5 near midfield. Everyone in the world knew a fake punt was coming. Except, of course, the San Francisco defender tasked with blocking the gunner down the field:
Fortunately, Robbie Gould still rules and has never missed a kick in the playoffs. That’s the guy the Chicago Bears released five years ago. That may never stop being funny to me.
3. Jimmy Garoppolo
Garoppolo, protecting a lead, did this:
He wasn’t done shooting the Niners in the foot. By snapping the ball before Trent Williams could get set on fourth-and-inches in the final minute, he found a way to botch a game-winning QB sneak. He is good for at least one gaffe per quarter and yet somehow has never lost in the NFC playoffs. He is football’s Mr. Magoo, constantly wandering into danger and being saved by circumstance or the people around him.
4. Diontae Johnson, who made things even tougher for poor Ben Roethlisberger
Johnson was one of 2020’s least reliable wideouts; his 13 drops led the league. He reversed that trend in 2021 by cutting his drop rate from nine percent to three percent and established himself as a true WR1 for the Steelers.
And then, with the season on the line, 2020 Diontae showed up.
Johnson had two drive-killing drops in the first half alone, making an uphill climb even steeper. Roethlisberger’s noodle arm can barely string plays together, and seeing his top wideout glitch his way through easy catches only served to portend Pittsburgh’s doom. His drops ultimately didn’t matter — there was no way in hell the Steelers were winning this game, but man, they could’ve had something go right on offense.
5. Peyton Barber, who has this all backwards
You’re supposed to stand out of bounds and touch an in-bounds kickoff to draw the illegal procedure penalty and take over at the 40. Barber, in his fifth year as a pro, did it backward:
That cost the Raiders 38 yards of field position and led to a Bengals field goal thanks to the field position gleaned after a three-and-out. A Derek Carr strip sack, made possible by interim head coach Rich Bisaccia’s decision to block Cincinnati’s top pass rusher with a tight end, led to six more:
That was the difference between having to throw into the end zone as time expired to try and tie the game vs. letting Daniel Carlson kick a chip shot field goal to win it. Absolutely brutal — and avoidable — for Las Vegas.
6. The New England Patriots (ALL)
Just a fucking mess, all of it. — CD
Wild Card Round results, in THREE words or fewer
Bengals 26, Raiders 19
Bills 47, Patriots 17
Bucs 31, Eagles 15
49ers 23, Cowboys 17
Chiefs 42, Steelers 21