The NFL movies that Hollywood should make next
Some of the top headlines in NFL right now could be the basis for a film, whether the genre is spy thriller, superhero adventure, or classic sports underdog drama.
A few years ago, I came up with an eerie short story idea, in the vein of The Twilight Zone, that explained Tom Brady’s longevity in the NFL. I don’t remember what prompted the conversation, but I remember outlining the plot in Slack to my SB Nation colleagues. The basic premise was that Brady, in cahoots with his quacky trainer Alex Guerrero, was using black magic to drain the life force of younger quarterbacks and stave off any major injuries to himself. Jimmy Garoppolo discovered the secret when he was Brady’s backup and tried to lead an underground resistance, but after Jimmy G’s ACL injury in 2018 (spoiler alert for the twist ending), Brady was able to flip him to the dark side.
I started a draft of the story for this newsletter around Halloween of 2020, but that version became more complicated and too long (4,000 words, with probably another 2,000 or so unwritten), so I tabled it and thought I could save it for the offseason. I never ended up finishing, in part because it felt indulgent, and there was also a minor subplot involving Deshaun Watson’s injury his rookie year, and I didn’t particularly want to write about him, even in a fictional sense.
Although my story remains incomplete, I’ll share with you an excerpt anyway:
***
None of this made sense. Not the outfits, not the chants, not the pictures, not the people involved. Jimmy knew who the two cloaked figures were, even before he got confirmation when Tom’s hood fell to his shoulders as he took a sip from the vessel Alex was holding. Whatever was happening made Jimmy uncomfortable in a way he never had been before, like he was witnessing something truly wicked, and not in the Boston definition of the word.
Jimmy slowly backed away from Alex’s office until he was several feet away, and then he bolted for the exit while he could still hear both voices reciting their mantra:
“I can play until I’m 45.”
***
The reason I’m bringing this up is that last week, a few details emerged about a new Jordan Peele movie that’s in the works, and the synopsis sounds a little familiar:
If people who actually make movies are on the same wavelength as I am, then surely I can come up with a few other marketable ideas about bringing NFL storylines to the big screen.
So, based on some current headlines from around the league, here are seven movie pitches I put together. Not to sound too biased, but I would watch all of these:
The Admiral
The real background: Commanders head coach Ron Rivera fined defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio and pulled no punches with his pointed, and spot-on, remarks about Del Rio trying to downplay a literal insurrection supported by the then-president. Del Rio has since deleted his Twitter account, where he used to post right-wing grifter talking points and retweet conspiracy theorists.
Movie plot summary: The head coach of DC’s pro football team, the Washington Admirals, is recruited by the FBI for a secret mission. He is asked to spy on one of his assistant coaches, who has ties to an extremist group that is suspected of plotting a dangerous attack during that season’s Super Bowl. As the Admirals continue to win, and the chance of them playing in the Super Bowl rises, their head coach has to navigate his locker room and the world of espionage.
For fans of: Point Break, The Last Boy Scout, BlackKklansman, No Way Out
Rookie of the Year 2
The real background: During a team outing at Wrigley Field, Bears quarterback Justin Fields showed off his baseball skills and hit a couple dingers (which is as many or more than all but four Cubs players have had at home this season):
Movie plot summary: During the offseason, the promising young quarterback for the Chicago Bears takes a nap in a hyperbaric chamber to rehab a lingering rib injury that shortened his rookie season. When he awakens, he discovers that not only is he healed, but he’s indestructible … and indefatigable. After a chance meeting with the manager of the Cubs, Henry Rowengartner, the quarterback decides to use his newfound powers, and his baseball-playing background, to help the struggling Cubs get back in the pennant race, all while balancing his duties on the football field.
For fans of: Rookie of the Year, Little Big League, Angels in the Outfield, Major League
What’s That Bear Doing?
The real background: Panthers wide receiver Robby Anderson, in a since-deleted tweet, seemed to be contemplating retirement. Unrelated but always relevant, he once thought the Panthers’ mascot, Sir Purr, was a bear:
Movie plot summary: Fresh off retirement, an ex-NFL player named Bobby needs to figure out his next step in life. To clear his head, Bobby goes camping in the woods, where he stumbles upon a cartoon bear, Sir Bear, who needs help getting back home. Sir Bear vanished from Animation Station through a portal while trying to escape from The Woodsman, who falsely believes Sir Bear attacked Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma. Sir Bear has evidence that the Big Bad Wolf is the real culprit, but if he can’t find the portal in 24 hours, he’ll be locked out of Animation Station forever. Bobby agrees to partner up with Sir Bear, despite the toon’s tendency to get sidetracked. The duo sets off on their adventure as the Woodsman, the Big Bad Wolf, and the human hunters who want to turn Sir Bear into a rug are all hot on their tail … er, trail.
For fans of: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Space Jam, Sonic the Hedgehog, Pokémon Detective Pikachu
Home of the Mustangs
The real background: Baker Mayfield has been excused from attending Browns minicamp and is expected to be released at some point this offseason, even as more damning information is coming out about his replacement, Deshaun Watson.
Movie plot summary: Once thought to be the savior of a hapless franchise, Blake Merriweather finds himself out of a job when his team trades for a talented but controversial quarterback. During a tryout with another team, Blake re-injures his ailing shoulder and decides to go back to his hometown in Texas to rehab his arm and his pride. When his affluent alma mater refuses to let him train on their practice field, Blake tries a different part of town and encounters a high school team, the Eastside Mustangs, with a ton of potential but limited resources. Blake and their head coach decide they can mutually benefit if Blake joins the coaching staff: Blake can remember why he loves the game, and having an NFL player on the sideline could be just what the Mustangs need to win the state championship.
For fans of: Friday Night Lights, Remember the Titans, The Mighty Ducks, Home Team (is anyone really a fan of that movie?)
The Owner
The real background: The feud between Chargers owner Dean Spanos and his sister Dea Spanos Berberian intensified last week. Berberian filed a lawsuit against brothers Dean and Michael, accusing them of sexist behavior and misusing funds as the battle for the team rages on.
Movie plot summary: In his will, the elderly owner of the Los Angeles Waves leaves control of the football franchise to whichever of his two adult children — one son, one daughter, both ambitious and both flawed — can secure the deal on a new stadium. After his death, the competition between the brother and sister, and the extreme lengths they go to gain ownership of the Waves, is seen through the watchful eyes of the front office, the players, the coaches, and even the fans.
For fans of: Draft Day, Any Given Sunday, Moneyball, The Big Short (and pretty much anything else in Adam McKay’s filmography)
Doomsday
The real background: After hinting at the possibility of retirement, Aaron Donald was able to renegotiate his contract with the Rams. He received a $40 million raise and is now the highest-paid non-quarterback ever. And because it’s the offseason, a new out-of-this-world Aaron Donald workout video could drop any day.
Movie plot summary: An NFL superstar has it all, at least on the field: awards, the richest deal in the league, a Super Bowl championship. With the nickname “Doomsday,” he’s considered a once-in-a-generation talent whose mere presence strikes fear in the heart of every quarterback. But something is missing from his life and he’s never been able to identify what, until he’s visited by a trio of extraterrestrials who inform Doomsday that he’s half-human, half-alien. They’ve come to Earth to ask for Doomsday’s help: He’s the only one in the entire universe who can save their planet from a malevolent force … aka his own father.
For fans of: Guardians of the Galaxy (and the entire MCU), Men in Black, Aquaman, Star Wars
The Overseer
The real background: This past week, two young players for the Lions retired: undrafted rookie Jermaine Waller and 25-year-old John Penisini. When the former happened, Detroit head coach Dan Campbell was understanding. Campbell, an 11-year NFL vet, said he knew when it was time to hang it up and compared his beat-up body to Mr. Glass’ from the Unbreakable trilogy, the character with brittle bone disease played by Samuel L. Jackson.
Movie plot summary: Set five years after the events of Glass, superheroes are now living out in the open, idolized by some and demonized by others. David Dunn’s son, Joseph, despite having no powers of his own, takes over his dad’s vigilante identity known as The Overseer. Joseph soon discovers a cabal of archvillains, led by a man who, like his father, is a former football player. It becomes his mission to take them down, and he needs to figure out which superheroes he can trust to aid him in this undertaking.
For fans of: Unbreakable, X Men, The Dark Knight Rises, Watchmen
So there you go. Have at it, Hollywood!
Great movie ideas.